As many of you know, I tend to use the I Ching for big political questions.  Some are vexed by this, because they understand the oracle as being more appropriate for intimate personal questions.  My own sense is that it can be used for both with equal benefit.  Today, however, I will ask a more personal question.  In light of my current circumstances, I went to the oracle with this query: What is the way forward without my son, Aidan?

    The I Ching came back with a message of caution: go slowly in adapting to the new context of relationships in the aftermath of Aidan’s death.  Do not force adaptations to his absence, be mindful of differences among family members on what is now appropriate, and keep an eye on maintaining the integrity of the family as a whole.

     The particulars of the divination: Hexagram 54, "The Marrying Maiden:"

     with a moving line in the top position, therefore tending in the direction of Hexagram 38, "Opposition:"

     There’s a way in which this could be read as a bad omen.  The Marrying Maiden is all about a second wife coming into the household of her new husband, where the first wife is already established.  It is a situation fraught with vulnerability and hazard; mistaken actions could produce painfully emotional effects.  The moving line at the top suggests that empty formalism – simply going through the motions of relationships without genuine affection and care – will simply make matters worse.  And the tendency toward Hexagram 38 implies that, if wrong actions are taken, inherent oppositions will grow and undermine the common purpose of the family.

      But I am not taking this as a negative prophecy because the oracle is telling me what I have to do to avoid a bad outcome.  It is possible to keep things together and realize the collective humanity of the family, in which each individual’s humanity is fully expressed, if we keep a couple of key points in mind.

    Here is the Judgment from Hexagram 54:

The Marrying Maiden.  Undertakings bring misfortune.  Nothing that would further.

 This suggests that we should not try to do too much in making the changes necessitated by Aidan’s death.  There is, for example, the question of how my wife will redefine her activity and time.  For years she had taken Aidan to a special school in another city, an hour away.  She went there about four times a week, driving him back and forth, and volunteering in the same school during the day.  All that that is over now.  We have talked some about her continuing to volunteer there, perhaps two days a week, or to find other ways to use her extraordinary skills of assessing the needs of disabled children and adapting school curricula for them.  What this hexagram is telling me is not to force any of this.  There is no need for her to rush into a new life.  We should take our time and let the answers come as they will.  Do try to achieve the future as an "undertaking," but simply let it unfold of its own accord.

     The same goes for the question of rearranging my daughter’s room.  She shared a room with Aidan her whole life, twelve years.  Since his passing, she has not wanted to sleep in that room anymore and even says that she does not want a room of her own.  Obviously, the loss of her brother is still close and painful for her.  We talked with her about it a couple of nights ago, and I realized that we should not push for immediate changes.  She can sleep with her mother for a time, and I will sleep in the room she shared with Aidan.  In a few days, we will likely take Aidan’s bed out of that room (it is a hospital style bed), but we will not, at that point, say to her that she must return there.  We will wait.  If she wants to move into an entirely different room, we will do that.  But we will let the solution emerge from her gradual adjustment to Aidan’s absence.

    Here is another point the oracle is bringing to the fore, which seems to, but really does not, contradict the advice to not try to do too much:

But every relationship between individuals bears within it the danger that wrong turns may be taken, leading to endless misunderstandings and disagreements.  Therefore it is necessary constantly to remain mindful of the end.  If we permit ourselves to drift along, we come together and are parted again as the day may determine.  If on the other hand a man fixes his mind on an end that endures, he will succeed in avoiding the reefs that confront the closer relationships of people.

 The idea here is, I think, to be mindful of the big picture.  Do not try to orchestrate each day’s actions, but keep an eye on the most important, longer term goal.   And that goal is the togetherness of the family as a whole.  We may differ in the short term, but we must find ways of accommodating our individual needs so that we continue to find ourselves through our collective self.  Maybe that is my job.  Maybe I have to look ahead and gently guide the immediate toward the enduring.  Sounds a bit abstract, but it gives me a focus.

    And the oracle gives a bit of an insight into how this can be done:

Affection as the essential principle of relatedness is of the greatest importance in all relationships in the world.  For the union of heaven and earth is the origin of the whole of nature.  Among human beings likewise, spontaneous affection is the all-inclusive principle of union.

     In looking to the future, we should allow for and follow our spontaneous affections for one another.  Love is the lodestar.