My car crash (you’ll be happy to know that Maggie’s eye is getting better) shifted my attention away from this piece a couple of days ago.  It seems that a noticeable (by sociologists, at least) number of career women are leaving their jobs to take care of their aging parents.  If the "Mommy Track" takes women out of the work-a-day job market to raise young children, the "Daughter Track," as this new phenomenon is called, takes some women away from professional employment to look after their elders. Laura, at 11D, has been ranting (her own word) against feminists who lay a guilt trip on stay at home moms.  I wonder what those same "anti-mommy" feminists (this, by no means, is meant to criticize all feminists, especially feminist care theorists) would say about the "Daughter Track?"  They would not like it.

    They would not like the obvious inequality.  More women make this choice than men. 

Despite a growing number of men helping aging relatives, women account
for 71 percent of those devoting 40 or more hours a week to the task,
according to the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP in a 2004
study. Among those with the greatest burden of care, regardless of sex,
88 percent either take leaves of absence, quit or retire.

     We should not criticize the women who take on this care (as happened in the article Laura was debunking).  Although it may be true that when a highly trained woman lawyer or architect or corporate professional drops out of the work force it may give employers pause in hiring other women (will they leave for family reasons?), that social cost (inequality in the workplace) is certainly offset by the social good of family care.  No, instead of casting aspersions on women caregivers, we should think of ways of enabling more men to do the same kind of caregiving.

     This should come as no surprise to regular readers of this blog.  Although I would never suggest that I live up to a Confucian ethic (it is really quite demanding), I do see the Humanity that can come from a Confucian-inspired orientation toward close personal relationships.  The "root of Humanity" is found, after all, in caring for our parents.  Obviously, not all family situations are appropriate for grown children to return to care for elderly parents (I could never have cared for my father).   But I can imagine many cases in which a beautiful and fulfilling human experience – more beautiful and more fulfilling than what we find  in our work lives – can be found in such care. 

    So, what can be done to bring more men to understand that they will realize themselves more fully in care for those closest to them?  There are economic barriers to overcome, which could be solved by creative public policy.  The family leave act was a good start.   Family caregiving of all sorts – for children and for parents – should be recognized as reducing the social costs of nursing homes, medical care, prisons (assuming well raised and educated children are less likely to fall into a life of crime), and other major human services.  If it was so recognized, then government budget priorities could be redefined to support men leaving their jobs to do family work.  But I’m not waiting for this to happen any time soon.

    There are culture barriers as well.  The iconic image of the rugged, individualist man on the frontier, taking care of his own affairs, not needing anyone’s help, really needs to be knocked down.  It never was true.  All of us are always dependent on others for our sustenance and survival.  We choose to ignore that social reality.  If we embraced it instead, then we might be more comfortable turning our attention away from the pursuit of a fictional autonomy and toward the daily investment in family care.  This, too, is not likely to happen on a mass scale in the near future: there is too much money and cultural capital riding on the maintenance of imaginary individualism.

    For now, all we can do is celebrate those who make the more loving choices.  Men can learn from women in this: step out of the artificial camaraderie of the workplace and immerse ourselves, and through that immersion realize ourselves, in the family place.  Our personal and collective Humanity will grow as a result.