I have blogged about divorce once before but I  just noticed this BBC report: China booms, so does divorce rate.  This Chinese outcome is really not a surprise.  As economic reform has brought social transformation more and more couples who thought they were committed will find that they are not and they will go their separate ways.  A culture of personal choice extends into all areas of personal life. 

    Now, by thinking of this in terms of Confucius, I want to resist the outmoded idea that there can be no divorce, or that divorce can only come at the will of the husband.  These are the kinds of ideas that must be let go if the ancient texts are to be made relevant to modern life.  So, we are left with a question: how can a modern Confucian respond to the upsurge in divorce in modern society?

     I think the answer is another question.  A Confucian’s main concern is the cultivation of loving family relationships: it is through these ties that we perform our humanity and find ourselves morally.  When these ties break down – and this is not just a matter of divorce, but also  disintegrating parent-child relations – the individual is unmoored from his or her primary medium for humane action.  Again, some relationships might be so abusive and hurtful that they must be broken.  A person in such circumstances must then find another field of close personal connections that will allow expression of reciprocal ethical interaction. 

    Since walking away from family ties is such a difficult, and morally fraught, move, the question that a Confucian divorce therapist (Is there such a thing?  Could there be such a thing?) would raise is: why?  Why are you doing this?  I suspect that some percentage of divorces (and I really have no way of knowing what number that might be) are driven not so much by truly abusive conditions, but, rather, by selfishness.  Marriage requires the submergence of the ego; personal interests have to be compromised in concert with other family members.  That can be hard sometimes.  It can create resentments and jealousies.  But the whole point of the exercise is to force us to turn back on ourselves, examine why it is we have those selfish reactions, and find the ways of changing ourselves for the better in relation to others.  I think that’s what Mencius means when he says:

"The ten thousand
things [everything] are all there in me.  And there’s no joy greater
than looking within and finding myself faithful to them.  Treat others
as you would be treated.  Devote yourself to that, for there’s no more
direct approach to Humanity." (236)

After the Confucian/Mencian question (is this mere selfishness?) is posed and it is discovered that the relationship is still unworkable then, fine, let them be off.  But a Confucian would want to tell them that selfishness is not, ultimately, its own solution: if all you can think of are your own interests, there will always be something just beyond your reach, something that you do not have to fulfill your desires. (I’m not sure I personally agree with this idea. Some may be able to find happiness in isolation.  But I think this is what a Confucian response would be).

    The most prominent of divorces – the celebrity breakups that splash across tabloid covers – are very often exercises in selfishness:  large egos unable to accommodate to one another.   They may play an inordinate role in shaping choices made by others.  Too bad there isn’t a countervailing popular cultural broadcast (a new cable-TV show?) that would ask the Confucian-inspired question: why are they doing this?  Why are they walking away from a relationship that could  allow them to transcend their mere personal interests – what they think is best for themselves – and practice a more meaningful and good humanity?